Pederson Ponderings: Day 1 (Bath and Body Works for Dummies)

One of my students approached me the other day and asked if I would be part of her science fair project. Naturally, I assumed that meant she'd inject me with a cool serum that would give me super powers, and I could devote my my weekends to fighting crime and saving cats from trees. However, the reality wasn't nearly as thrilling. I was subjected to a memory test, which I failed gloriously. This actually makes sense, considering without my wife, I probably wouldn't remember my own birthday. I think I prioritize the wrong things, mentally, as I can name every pilot in the Gundam universe, but I have no idea what most of the buttons on the dishwasher do, despite being told several times. Anyways, I took this test, and then I was told I need to journal my thoughts for the next few weeks, to which this student ironically added, "please don't forget". So here I am, giving you a glimpse into my thoughts, every day, for the next few weeks. Buckle up.

Have you ever looked at a small space and thought to yourself that the large item you want to put there, probably won't fit? However, through misguided optimism and equal parts desperation, you try it anyways, only to find out that it, in fact, doesn't fit. When I was in the lower part of my twenties (in age, not mental state), I worked in the warehouse at a Best Buy in California. This was at the dawn of giant LCD televisions. It was also the dawn of the Toyota Prius. I don't have enough fingers to count how many times I was asked by rich, eco-friendly customers to put a sixty inch television into the back of what clearly wasn't a sixty inch trunk. Most of the time, they would want to try anyways, despite my assurances that it won't fit. I would then be out there, looking like a giant toddler, trying to fit the square into the circle hole.

I bring this up, because this weekend, I witnessed a teenager walking through the Richland Mall in a quinceanera dress, with her quinceanera party (as they do for some unknown reason), and she decided she wanted to take photos in Bath and Body Works . . . in the section where all of the glass candles are. If you've ever seen a quinceanera dress, you know they are incredibly wide. If you've ever been to Bath and Body Works, you know that the aisles are not wide. Much like the sixty inch television in the Prius, some things just aren't meant to be and create situations, where disaster is inevitable.

As for the Bath and Body Works incident, I can only imagine the manager's face, when they saw this person walking in, her dress brushing the tables with the glass candles, causing them to tremor like sky scraper windows in a Roland Emmerich movie. There would be a great shattering of merchandise and possibly the manager's career at Bath and Body Works. In their heart they wanted to save the candles, but in their head, they knew the candles couldn't be saved, and they needed to get a broom and clean the mess, before some kid mistook the vanilla-smelling glassware for rock candy (more on the American education system later). All because, much like the television in the back of the Toyota Prius, the dress wouldn't fit in the aisle.

Sometimes, you just know things, and you need to not test the limits. It's sort of like how I know that Daniel Craig is a better James Bond than Pierce Brosnan, despite what my wife says. Sometimes arguing with her is like trying to fit a television into a Prius, or a square into a round hole, or a quinceanera dress into a Bath and Body Works. Yeah, I can see what happens, but sometimes it's not a question I need or want answered.

There we go . . . fifteen minutes of journaling complete.