EPISODE 1
Fran and Brian Cross are the matriarch and patriarch of the Cross family. The entire family is coming to their house in North Carolina for a family reunion to celebrate Fran’s 70th birthday.
(Alarm rings at 6am).
FRAN
You know what day it is Brian!
BRIAN
Yes, the day before your 70th birthday.
FRAN
I prefer Birthday Eve and 16th birthday.
BRIAN
Except you’re married with three children and five grandchildren. And you’ve been my loving wife for 17 years.
FRAN
We’ve been married for 42.
BRIAN
I stand by my statement. Anyways, I know it means a lot to you that your whole family is coming home for your birthday, and for that reason it means a lot to me too. Let’s get this sucker set up.
(BOTH HEAD DOWNSTAIRS)
FRAN
So I’m thinking we–
BRIAN Eat breakfast? Already on it.
(BRIAN TAKES OUT A GRANOLA BAR AND SOME ORANGE JUICE.)
FRAN OK, yeah, breakfast. Well I’m skipping it. I was saying I think we should set up this home to have something for everyone, but I don’t know how.
BRIAN Why? This house is exactly the same as it was when they all left.
FRAN Exactly, Brian. It’s the same. People change though. Except you, you still look as if 1983 was a person.
BRIAN
And why would anyone change?
FRAN It’s just what people do. We all have our inner feelings and values, but people grow and tastes change.
BRIAN Well then let’s just make this house as best as it can be without really changing anything. I’m sure people aren’t expecting much anyway. It’s just family, some of them lived under this very roof for years.
FRAN
True. So, you clean the upstairs rooms and I’ll clean down here?
BRIAN
We could do that. Or I could go to the grocery store and pick up ice cream, just a thought.
FRAN
Fine, pick up whatever you can get but don’t spend more than $50. My pension can only get us so far.
BRIAN
Alright I’ll be back.
(BRIAN GOES OUT TO BUY FOOD WHILE FRAN MAKES THE HOUSE LOOKS PRESENTABLE.)
BRIAN (RETURNING) Don’t get mad but I couldn’t help myself, who knew how much food a store would have?
FRAN How much did you spend?
BRIAN
$130…or so.
FRAN Brian! If you want to make it to 80 we’ll have to spread out my pension money as long as possible. This isn’t the way to do that!
BRIAN Relax Fran, it’s only for your 70th birthday. We have guests coming, we need to make them feel welcome. Maybe convince one of them to have us move in with them?
FRAN I know we barely have any money, but the last thing I want to do is beg to our kids. After all, we taught them that money isn’t important.
BRIAN
We’ll talk about it later I suppose. This house looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in two years.
FRAN
I just cleaned…also it’s my birthday, can’t I be off the hook for this one?
BRIAN
Fine, honey. I’m thinking we find pictures of our children and grandchildren to show them we love them. Also, not your birthday.
FRAN Close enough. But where do we put the pictures? They can’t all fit in the same spot.
BRIAN
Well…who do we like best then?
FRAN We love all our kids equally Brian.
BRIAN
Do we though? Last I checked we barely talk to any of them.
FRAN They’ve all moved on, but this is the time we can get the family back together as one.
BRIAN
Also you were supposed to shut down the idea, you realize we don’t have pictures of too many of them.
FRAN Fine. We haven’t been the most hands-on grandparents. We let Catherine name one of her kids Britney 2 for Christ’s sake!
BRIAN
Well, I do agree that this is our chance to bring our family together for a little while. Let’s put up a few pictures, say we lost the others, and give them some food and dessert. Flawless plan on our part. Everything else is in the hands of them and God.
FRAN We’re screwed.
________________________
EPISODE 2
David Cross, son of Fran and Brian, is prepared to guide his family down to his parents’ house, including his wife Mary, and children Chris, Julian, and Drew.
DAVID
You all ready for vacation?!!
MARY
Chris certainly isn’t. He’s been in bed for 14 hours now.
DAVID
Well drag him into the car, because I already told my boss I’ll be taking the week out of work.
JULIAN The whole week Dad?
DAVID
Yes, I know, I’ve never done that and my job is on the line for it so we better do this right. Let’s wake up Chris.
(ALL HEAD INTO CHRIS’S ROOM.)
DAVID
Chris, get up, time for our family reunion.
CHRIS Why?
DAVID
I just said why…
CHRIS I mean why are we having a family reunion? Aren’t those supposed to be awful?
DAVID
Yep, but it’s what your grandmother wants.
CHRIS
How old is she, like 110?
DAVID Not funny Chris. Get up and get in the car. You’ve already gotten the middle seat.
CHRIS
How far away is the airport?
DAVID
No airport, we’re heading straight there.
CHRIS
Dad, really?! Aren’t they in North Dakota or something? That’s a long way from Idaho!
DAVID
They’re in North Carolina.
DREW What?? Can’t that be illegal?
DAVID
Having a mediocre wage with my job on the line is the thing that should be illegal, get in the car and play I Spy or whatever.
MARY Relax David. If we want the kids to like this we have to be open about going. And money problems shouldn’t be talked about in front of them, these problems have a way of going away.
DAVID
Making Chris pay the bills doesn’t mean the problem is going away hypocrite, it just means you’re ignoring it. Kids, get in the car, we won’t get to North Carolina by magic!
(SKIP AHEAD TO 3 HOURS LATER. ALL 3 KIDS ARE ASLEEP, BUT CHRIS’S LOUD MUSIC IS STILL COMING THROUGH HIS HEADPHONES.)
MARY
Well we’re still on the road so that’s good.
DAVID
Uh huh.
MARY
You sound mad.
DAVID
It would be nice if someone else could drive for a bit, I’m not Megaman.
MARY Superman?
DAVID
Chris wake up, you’re driving now!
MARY NO! If you want to make it to North Carolina you’ll let Julian drive.
JULIAN (WAKING UP)
Mom I’m 14. You know that.
MARY
At least you’re more responsible than your brother.
JULIAN
Why don’t you drive mom?
MARY No backtalk.
CHRIS
Yeah Mom you have your license.
MARY I don’t want to drive.
DAVID
Neither do I!
MARY IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO TAKE A CAR!
DAVID (PULLING ASIDE)
Fine. We’ll find an airport and take a plane. Happy?
MARY
Not that easy.
DAVID Then driving it is. We better not be like this when we get there.
DREW
You mean if we get there?
DAVID Go back to sleep. All of you. Chris shut your music off. I’ll get us there.
CHRIS Go Megaman!
MARY
How long do we have left again?
DAVID
According to my phone…1 day and 8 hours.
MARY
We’ll be there 11 hours after everyone else at this pace!
DAVID
And that’s a bad thing?
DREW
How should I know, I’ve never met them.
DAVID
Not talking to you. Didn’t I say something about sleep?
DREW
Then we’ll be wide awake at 4am.
DAVID
Dammit you’re right.
MARY
Don’t swear at the kids. You’re just taking your frustration out on them, aren’t you? You’re finally figuring out this is a bad idea!
DAVID
We’ll get there.
(ANOTHER DAY GOES BY)
DAVID
Alright, thanks to me driving way past the speed limit through every area except where there are police, we’re two hours away.
MARY
You realize all the traffic tickets you’re going to get is going to add up to more than the cost of taking a plane, right?
DAVID
Chris will take care of it.
CHRIS
No I won’t.
MARY
OK, stop everyone. I think we’re all tired. Let’s pretend like we always get along, it will make our hosts and our extended family happy.
(2 HOURS LATER)
DAVID
Getting close kids! Remember, we’re a happy and loving family this week. Julian, if you want more than two people to sign your notebook you’ll obey. Drew, first impressions are everything. Chris…well you have nothing to lose.
(THEY PULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY AND WALK OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR)
BRIAN
William, Catherine, you’re here! I didn’t know you had a son too! I’ll take Fran’s presents.
MARY (TO DAVID)
Uh I don’t think we remembered the presents.
DAVID (TO MARY)
I don’t think we got presents at at all. And they also think we’re other people.
MARY (TO DAVID)
Want to ditch this?
DAVID (TO MARY)
We came too far for that. Let’s just make the best of it.
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